Let the Light Back In
by YourRegina4Ever
Summary: TW: mentions depression and murder(s). Deciding that Storybrooke isn't where they want to raise their newborn son, Emma and Regina move away without telling anyone. After Regina loses both Emma and Henry one tragic night, she spirals into an alcohol-dependent depression. Full summary inside.
1. Chapter 1

Full Summary: TW: mentions depression and murder(s). Deciding that Storybrooke isn't where they want to raise their newborn son, Emma and Regina move away without telling anyone. Emma is looking for work while Regina starts working as a press secretary for the local senator. After Regina loses both Emma and Henry one tragic night, she spirals into an alcohol-dependent depression. What happens when you're forced to live the same event over and over again? Can love be enough to overcome death or will death gladly take another one from the Swan-Mills household?

**Author's Note: I started writing this about a year ago, and I told myself, "This is kind of dark. Why am I writing this? I need to go lie down and listen to some music or read some fluffy McFluff stuff". Then, a few months ago, I resumed working on this. I once had a roommate who asked me why I drank so much, and at the time I laughed it all off. I had friends who I would go drinking with since most of them were turning 21, so why wouldn't I go drinking with them to celebrate? **

**I'm sure you've all heard the saying, "Bottling things up is never good." Or "How can you expect to live in the present if you're stuck in the past?" I didn't realize that I had bottled up so much that I had turned to alcohol. It wasn't until about a few weeks ago when I talked to my friend/beta reader about my alcohol consumption that I realized just how much I had really been affected by the memories I had tried so hard to keep buried in the past. **

**Long story short, writing offers me solace and a kind of peace and comfort no one can take away from me. Anyway, enjoy the story. Reviews are appreciated as always. :) Song suggestions are marked by an asterisk (*). **

* * *

***Breathe Again by Sara Bareilles **

The day's almost over. And here you are in the same dress you had on the night before. You refill your glass with several ice cubes before pressing it against your forehead in the slightest chance it will relieve some of the ache found in your heart and mind. You roll your glass side to side before removing it from your forehead and taking one swish.

You look to your left and see a picture of the three of you, one of the last ones you ever took as a family. You slowly, begrudgingly get up and walk around the room gazing at the framed pictures that hang upon the walls. You look at them one by one until you get into the center of the room and sit down after taking off your heels.

You glance at the drink dangling in your hand precariously before finishing it off and pouring another. It won't be the last one for the night, and it certainly won't be the last one you'll ever have. You take the picture that's standing on its stilts and pull it close to your chest. You trace the edges of the frame before letting your fingers draw out the figures in front of you, as if you could ever forget how they looked. It's you, your wife, and your son. The very last picture you took before that chilling nightmare of a day ever took place – before someone ever dared to take away your happiness.

* * *

One more gulp and you're back on that beach making sandcastles and dipping his toes into the water to show him there's nothing to be afraid of before you go further into the ocean. Your wife tells you to go carry him into the water with you, so she can take some pictures of the two of you. Hours later, with your son passed out, you and your wife sit and watch the sunset over the ocean before making the long three hour drive back home.

* * *

***Here With Me by Susie Suh x Robot Koch **

Another gulp and it's your wedding night. You two running off and leaving your guests to entertain themselves as you two begin your married life. One sip and you feel those strong arms of hers lifting you up and carrying you bridal style. You place the glass down as you let yourself remember that night. You get up to turn on the record player and shut your eyes. It's the same song that was played during your first dance together as newlyweds.

You will yourself to keep your eyes closed so that they don't betray you like reality has done. You dance and laugh. She's as beautiful as the day you met her, if not more. You praise her with your eyes on her making sure to never miss an inch of her body as she leads you both. She whispers the nickname you've grown to love. You hear yourself laugh with her and she pulls you in close. As she's about to place her lips on yours, you're awakened by the beeping brought on by your alarm clock.

* * *

You look around and find yourself in the bedroom you once shared together. You notice you're tucked in, but you know you were far too drunk to even get yourself up the stairs last night. The name of your dead wife leaves your lips. Like that, you get up and throw a shot glass against the door before taking another swallow of the rum you keep hidden, or used to keep hidden because you knew what it did to you. It made you dwell in the past reliving each moment. That's why you always refused to drink it. It makes you remember every memory you've made.

You chuckle knowing how ironic this all is. Because the rum? It's been your saving grace since that night. _That damn night_. The rum manages to take away your fears of ever forgetting them, so you gladly drink and swallow past the bitterness of the drink itself.

You had just gotten off work, and you had stopped at a convenience store to pick up some flowers like you did every week for your wife. You turned around and before you paid for the flowers, you saw a small teddy bear next to a balloon and paid for it as well. By the time you made the final turn into the neighborhood to get to your house, you noticed sirens in the distance. A sinking feeling hit you and you quickly put your car in park before running to your house. You trip and throw your heels against a tree, not caring where they end up. The only thing that mattered in this moment was getting home to make sure your family was okay. You see your house wrapped with yellow caution tape, and you lift it up and try getting inside but a police officer holds you back.

You beg and plead as you try to get out of the officer's grasp, but he won't let go and for good reason. It's then you look up and see two gurneys with body bags on each of them. You scream and cry out for them, but another police officer holds you. That's when another set of paramedics come on the scene and have to sedate you.

* * *

***Salvage by MTNS **

You look at the time and know you have to get going. You have to make a living. But for what? Your son's college fund? Whose tuition do you need to pay when your child is buried next to your wife? Then, you're left with the same question you ask yourself every day before you go to sleep and before you go to work; why couldn't it have been you? Why couldn't it have been you at home during the invasion? Why couldn't it have been her still at work while you waited for her to come back home? Why couldn't it have been "Take Your Child to Work" Day, so that he could've been with her? _Why? _

You leave all your doors unlocked and your windows as well, hoping that some burglars show up with guns and knives, and they panic and shoot you and/or cut you open leaving you on the floor bleeding to death, so your wish of being reunited with your family can be granted. But every time you come back home, you notice your windows are locked and so are your doors. Luckily, as a force of habit, you bring your keys with you before you leave.

Maybe someone's watching you to make sure you're safe. You scoff at the notion. You think to yourself, "Where the hell were they when my Emma and our sweet little Henry were murdered?"

Then, you're left to ask yourself, "Where was I?" The answer is simple enough – not where you were needed the most – home.

Sure, you had turned away from God and religion, but surely, God wouldn't be so cruel to take away _everything_ from you, right? Surely, your sins from your past, a life you don't even recognize as yours anymore, wouldn't have been the reason for this to happen, right?

* * *

Every day after work, like second nature, you go to an ABC store and purchase three bottles of rum, a bottle of Jack, and two bottles of Smirnoff. So what if you drink yourself to death? Who cares? At this point, certainly not you.

You make it back home and put the alcohol in the fridge. You look around to see what's there to eat for dinner, and there's nothing. Nothing, but an individually wrapped slice of Kraft cheese and a box of baking soda. You close the door to the fridge and recall a time when it would always be filled. There would always be at least two cartons of eggs and those dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets your son liked so much. Of course, he would separate the "Sharp Tooth" from the "Leaf-eaters", terms you remember from all those times you had family movie nights and the only movies your son would want to watch were the Land Before Time movies.

As you start pouring yourself the first of many drinks that night, you look toward the living room and think of the late afternoons where your wife would be sitting in her recliner while your son would be on his mat either working on a puzzle, drawing another masterpiece to hang up either in his room, your office, or on the fridge, or playing with his dinosaurs. To think, you left Storybrooke to be safe, yet here you stand. Alone. Childless and wifeless. You were all better off dealing with Gold, your mother, Hook, and all of them instead of being out here.

* * *

You hear a soft voice, and you're safely back there in your dreams – dreams of better times since in your reality, you're left with the cold-crushing truth that no one who loves you just as much as you love them is alive. Right now, you're leaning against the door to the nursery as you listen to your wife hum your son to sleep. A sound you know you would never get tired of hearing. Your son falls asleep first before your wife does. You go inside and gently take your son and place him in his crib. You kiss him good night before turning your attention to your wife. You carry her back to your room and help change her into her pajamas before you do the same and join her in bed. You hold her in your arms and do your best to stay in that memory. Your memory lasts for several minutes before you take another sip of your cider and lean back into the chair as you allow yourself to sink into more memories.

* * *

***Burn It Up All Night by Sweet Talker **

You wake up and feel yourself being carried the same way your wife used to carry you when she was alive. You don't want to open your eyes in case this is another dream, but you know you have to. You discreetly open one eye and the sight almost causes you to gasp aloud.

You see a blonde haired woman with emerald eyes. Her locks of curly hair sway side to side as she continues to carry you up the stairs. She puts you down in your bed and kisses you on the forehead. You instantly grab her and pull her in for a kiss. You're surprised to feel warmth instead of air. You never want to let her go again, but she pulls back. You look up at her in confusion.

She opens her mouth to speak, "Regina, it's me."

You let out a gut wrenching sob as you repeat the words, "You're not my Emma," over and over again before slipping back into the darkness that fills every crack and crevice of your heart and mind. To think, it's been seven years since that day, seven years of this so-called surviving, yet the ghost of your dead wife continues to haunt you.

* * *

Across the street, a woman sits on the passenger side in a yellow Camaro.

"Why can't I tell her I'm alive? She's my wife! She needs to know the truth! She needs to know that Henry and I are still alive! Please!"

"What would you exactly say to her? That you've been alive for the past _seven_ years and you haven't so much as contacted her – at least having the decency to let her know that those two body bags were _decoys_?"

"You came to me and said that my family was in danger, and I listened to you!"

"Was I lying?"

"_No_. You weren't lying."

"Now, look. Your wife thinks you're a ghost. Let her be. At least we allow you to go see her every now and again. If you want to be back with your wife, you will continue to follow orders. Is that understood?"

"I guess so, _Mrs. Mills_."

* * *

***Stakes by Vancouver Sleep Clinic **

In the morning, you wake up and find arms wrapped around you. You gently get out of bed and look at Ruby, Emma's best friend. She comes every now and again making sure you're still alive, and stays an entire week that just so happens to fall on the same week you lost them. Yet, you both know why she continues to come time after time. You know she's got feelings for you, but every time you two start to do more than kiss, you break down and cry. And every time, she holds you in her arms as she whispers, "It's okay, Regina. It's okay. We don't have to do anything else."

You ask yourself how you can move on as you recall your wedding vows.

_I will not want for more than for your love all the days of my life and for all the days of our new life together. You have given me all that I could ever ask for and all that I could ever want. Not only have you given me love and shown me how to love, you have given me the one thing I never dreamed of ever having – a home. You are my home, Emma Swan. With this ring, know that no one will ever have me completely, but you and only you. I love you. _

Maybe one day you can move on and allow yourself to be happy. The first step is to get rid of all the alcohol – from the empty bottles scattered around the house to the not-so-secret stashes. You know it's been far too long since you allowed yourself to truly live. After all, isn't that what hearts were made for? To live and love? Not just surviving or doing whatever your existence has come to these days.

You hear Ruby slightly stir and as you look at the sleeping beauty in your bed again, you realize that you can allow yourself to move on and love again. For the first time since that night, you let yourself go back to sleep in the arms of a woman that's not her, your Emma, and you think that maybe you can love again, especially since Ruby's the woman who has been more of your saving grace than anyone or anything has been in a very long time.

**A/N: I might continue this and make it a multi-chapter fic, if any of you are interested. Let me know :) **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I had such an amazing response from you all that I decided to go ahead and continue by making this a multi-chapter fic. I am doing a slight time jump from where the first chapter ended. This chapter will be set on Christmas Day, which reminds me that I didn't specify a time such as month or year since I didn't know if I was going to make this a one-shot or not. In this fic, the current year is 2012. As always, song suggestions are in bold, and reviews are greatly appreciated. Also, shout out to one of my betas, Lucy! **

**VERY IMPORTANT: Emma and Henry are still ALIVE! Emma faked their deaths as seen towards the end of the first chapter. In this chapter, Emma still hasn't revealed to Regina she is alive, so Emma has to manage to get to Regina without Cora knowing. I can't reveal too much, but this story will remain a SWAN QUEEN story. And will have two alternate endings. So please try to remember that I do know how to properly tag my stories. Thank you :)**

**December 25, 2012 **

***Something Something by Kaskade ft. Zip Zip Through the Night **

Today marks yet another Christmas without your wife and son. As hard as you try and fight it, the memories of your last Christmas together invade your mind just like the snowflakes that overcome the window panes with their layering crystallized softness.

You had opened your eyes to two of your favorite faces grinning down at you that morning, just as you did every Christmas. This is the one time of year when Emma and Henry managed to wake up before you did. They would each kiss one of your cheeks and shout "Merry Christmas", the second you shifted. You followed slowly behind as they raced down the stairs, your wife mirroring the jovial excitement of your son. Christmas breakfast consisted of you making your infamous cinnamon apple pancakes and hot chocolate with a dash of cinnamon to match. You would pass Emma and Henry their own cans of whipped cream, so they could get started on making their "snow" decorations on their pancakes. Henry would make a snowman, while Emma would make a smiley face and use up the rest of the whipped cream into her hot chocolate. Like always, you would make a different design from the year before. That year, you made two parent swans with their foreheads pressed together to look as if they were a heart while a baby swan was in the middle, representing your beautiful family. The tree was always surrounded by heaps of gifts, the majority of which were addressed to Henry. After ripping each present open, you and your wife would laugh and smile as Henry took pictures of his presents from Santa with his tiny disposable camera.

One year, when you finished opening the rest of your gifts, Henry immediately sat on your lap holding a card while Emma sat by your side and placed a small red velvet box in front of you. Inside was a silver necklace with a double infinity pendant. Emma looked on lovingly as Henry explained the meaning of the charm – they would both love you forever and always. As soon as Emma placed it around your neck, you knew you would never take it off ever again. Staring at them through your eyes in that moment, you had no reason to believe that they would ever leave you on your own.

* * *

***Kalypso by Sorrow **

The change of song on the radio stirs you from your memory. You look closely at the tree and eye a little macaroni ornament. Henry had made it when he was in preschool and as soon as you had come home from work, he ran up to you and handed it over to you.

_"Henry, why didn't you and Mama hang it up when the two of you were decorating the tree earlier?"_

_"I wanted to wait for you, Mommy."_

_"Thank you, my sweet prince. Now, let's go hang it up and then we can go bake cookies for Santa when he comes tonight."_

_"Yay, Santa! Can we put this at the top, Mommy?"_

_"We can put this beautiful ornament anywhere you'd like."_

As you held it in the palm of your hand and listened to the woman you had grown to love dance and sing in the kitchen, you couldn't help but wonder if maybe one day, your heart could ever have room for another child.

* * *

***Who We Want To Be by Tom Day**

While today, marks the seventh Christmas without your wife and son, it also marks the first Christmas you spend with a woman who loves you and has never left your side, even in your darkest moments. You look at the decorations set all around the room, and your gaze stops right where two stockings hang side by side. Where three stockings embroidered with the letters E, R, and H used to be, now hang two stockings with the letter R on each of them.

You know you have to let the past go. You know that even though you've gotten rid of all the bottles and completely quit drinking any alcohol, that the necklace you refuse to remove from your neck keeps you from moving forward. Today is the day you take off that necklace that represents the broken promises of long ago and guides your heart from the past to a new future.

And for the first time, in a very long time, you don't celebrate the holiday with a drink in your hand and an almost empty bottle in the other. You can't help but smile and laugh because while Ebenezer Scrooge was haunted by the ghost of Christmas past, your ghosts have not managed to do that to you since the day you asked Ruby to stay. As you both cuddle up by the fireplace, you couldn't think of anyone else you would give your heart to after losing Emma.

* * *

**A/N: The next chapter will go back to the morning after when Regina wakes up in bed and realizes it was Ruby next to her. It will be longer than this chapter, and you will also find out whether or not Emma decided to show up again. Also, for those of you who read To Love Her Always, I will mention the double infinity symbol again just because it does mean a lot to me. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I'm back! Like I said in the last chapter, this third chapter will continue right where chapter one left off. This chapter will show the beginning of the healing process for Regina. Reviews and messages are more than welcome and if you would like to message me, my new tumblr is regina-to-her-emma.**

***Song suggestion: Saturn by Sleeping At Last**

The sun finds its way inside through the small gaps of the curtains that used to hang in your son's room. The very room you refused to enter for the longest time. A scent you had feared would have disappear completely. Luckily, you had safely stored his belongings and wrapped them up to preserve them, including his bed sheets, a week after you had lost both your wife and son.

Now here you are, seven years later, and you find yourself removing his pillow from the space saver bag and hold it close to you. The smell is still there and for that, you are grateful. You feel tears rushing from your eyes, and you do your best to keep quiet so Ruby doesn't wake up.

* * *

_You see your son playing with his trains and think that this is it. This is the reason why you and your wife both agreed that leaving Storybrooke was the best decision, and seeing how happy your son is, is the greatest sign you could be given. Yes, you understand that the three of you can never go back, but you and your wife know that it's for the best. No more worrying about the roles and titles thrusted upon either of you. No Savior. No Evil Queen. Just Mama and Mommy. The only titles you and your wife could ever want. _

_Your son sees you standing at the door, and puts his trains down to give you a hug and kiss._

_"Mommy, you're home! Come play with me! Please!"_

_"Thank you for asking, Henry. What would you like for us to play?"_

_"Mmm…Dinosaurs!"_

_"Can you show me how to play?"_

_"Yes, Mommy! Like this!"_

_As you and your son play dinosaurs, you can't help but think of being able to watch him grow up to be strong and kindhearted, just like his Mama. _

* * *

One day, you will find the strength to give away some of your son's toys to charity. But for now, you'll keep them in their containers protecting them from dust and the effects of time. As you walk out of the room and look back one more time, a part of you says goodbye. It's a small comfort before you go downstairs and begin the proper steps in healing, or as proper as you believe them to be.

* * *

You look in your fridge and, like every time Ruby comes to visit, it is completely stocked with food, compared to what it is usually filled with. You take the egg carton out, along with two tomatoes, shredded cheese, and bacon. You start the coffee maker and turn your attention back to the stove. Omelettes with toast sound quite appetizing, considering you don't usually eat much.

You hear someone clear their throat so you turn around and see her.

"Thank you for carrying me upstairs last night."

You look up and smile at her softly. She walks over to you and places her hand on your shoulder.

"You're welcome, Regina. Now, why don't you sit and let me cook?"

You try to protest, but she won't hear it. She tells you breakfast will be ready in ten, and the quiet suggestion of doing something else hangs in the air. You give her a kiss on the cheek and grab a trash bag, opening the fridge.

You remove the empty bottles of alcohol and put them in the trash bag. You also remove the bottles you haven't opened yet, setting them aside. You then make your way to each room, removing all the bottles as you go. You hit a roadblock when you reach your room. You hold the rum in your hand and, for a moment, you can't bring yourself to toss it away. After all, the rum helped you hold onto those memories. The ones you could not bear to ever forget. You go into your bathroom and leave the bottle there. Everything else can go, but the rum. The rum can stay. You're not ready to let go of the rum completely. Not yet. But eventually, you won't need to rely on it to remember.

* * *

By the time you come back down, you have completely filled the trash bag which is now bursting at the seams. Ruby looks at you and, while she seems surprised, she is still encouraging.

"You don't have to throw it all away at once. You can hold onto some of it and slowly wean yourself off. The recovery process isn't something that takes a few days or even a few weeks. It's a lifelong commitment. I don't want you to feel like you have to rush all of this, Regina. Everyone heals differently, and at their own pace. Don't feel like you have to because I'm here."

You place the bag down and walk over to her.

"Will you go with me? To the cemetery? I don't want to keep doing this."

You motion to the empty bottles.

"If I am to recover, I need to let go. Let go of the alcohol and let go of the pain and the blame and guilt from that night."

"Regina, I'll go with you to the cemetery. But first, you should eat. Please."

You nod and sit down. She gives you your plate and pours you a glass of water. You look up at her confused before she explains.

"You need water to clear out your system right now."

You smile and agree.

"I suppose I wouldn't want to rely on caffeine."

"Right, exactly. Regina, I hope you don't think I'm telling you what to do."

"Ruby, you're not. You're helping. Thank you."

* * *

Once the two of you reach the cemetery, Ruby holds your hand as you do your best to lead her to your wife and son's final resting place. You try your hardest to come at least three times a year - their birthdays and Christmas. You remove the dead leaves and flowers that are scattered around their graves. Ruby moves to give you space but you hold onto her.

"Stay." You manage to whisper.

Ruby nods and stands right beside you.

"Hi, Emma. Hi, Henry. I brought Ruby with me. I hope you don't mind."

You take a few breaths before continuing.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when the two of you needed me the most. I blame myself every single day. But I can't do that anymore. I have to heal properly. I can't keep going back to that night. I hope you understand. One day, we will all be together again, and I promise I won't ever let either of you go, but for now, I want to let go of the pain and the guilt. I have to. I need to. Henry, you gave me the best three years of being a mother, and I thank you for that. And Emma, you loved me when I thought I was unworthy of such compassion. I will always love you both. It's been seven years and while the pain of losing the both of you still remains, I want to start living again."

* * *

You place new flowers for your wife and son and get up. You press a soft kiss on each of their headstones and look at Ruby.

"Take me home?" You ask.

You smile when Ruby places a kiss on your forehead and takes your hand. As she starts up the car you look over in the direction your wife and son are and think about how you've made so much progress today. And as you look back at Ruby, you're both glad and relieved to have her with you.


End file.
